Being a die-hard F-ZERO fan since 1991, the below video brought me immense joy this morning:



You give me $250 right now or I'm telling your Mom you hit me.

If god were alive today, I'd like to think he'd be partying in Budapest right now, in the arms of Sully, the leader of the Orphans in The Warriors, both of them overdosing on ecstasy and all the while dancing to Ratatat's song "Falcon Jab," set to repeat for fifteen hours straight.

Behold, the bluetooth handgun handset!

My new favorite thing: Playing twenty-three different songs all at once through the Stereogum mp3 RSS feed. As if pure sound waves form a cock and rape my brain. And as this atrocity is committed upon my psyche, I stare at the attached image found below. All of this while at work, naturally.

Now let me tell you about Mr. Bruno. He was the saddest fucking mope you could have ever met. He’d more than likely take a piss on your leg than look you dead straight in the eyes. I loved that son of a bitch, and hated him just as much for it. But he’s dead now; thank the gods for that small miracle.

Death tasted like a grilled cheese sandwich to Harold Benson. Not like a good one, mind you. Not as if he ordered it from greasy spoon dive off of Route Three-Oh-Three ubiquitously named “EAT.” No, this eternity-flavored grilled cheese tasted like it was made by a mentally deficient, socially inept nine-year old boy, who’s mother was in the other room crashing from a dope high, who’s father could be any of a thousand Johns living in the Naked City. You see, the death sandwich poor Harold had to endure was seeming fashioned from rancid cheese (expiration date: fuck/long/ago), slapped between blue bread (the only color it contained) and topped off with nail polish (because the boy had been a fucking crack baby). And this death-personified childhood treat was seeming grilled on a frying pan of grease older than the boy himself. Harold soon regretted ever having looked up “auto asphyxiation” on the Wikipedia.

“What’s your fucking point,” you may ask? My answer to you is this: You cannot take a toothbrush with you to the other side.

01) No Country for Old Men - Like a silenced shotgun blast to the face.
02) Michael Clayton - This is how you write the fuck out of a movie. This is how you act the fuck out of a movie.
03) The Lookout - A film that has no right to be this good, but it is. Fuck you, it is.
04) Ratatouille - The only people who are allowed not to like this are kids, and only because they're stupid shits.
05) Rescue Dawn - Herzog adding a little hope to his horrifically cynical worldview; Bale adding a lot more stress to his already fucked health.
06) Zodiac - Best serial killer movie since SE7EN? I see a pattern forming.
07) Once - What happens when you add fucking brilliant music to a beautiful little romance.
08) Superbad - About as real as being a teen gets.
09) Control - Recreating a moment in time so perfectly, you feel like you have committed suicide when it ends.
10) There Will Be Blood - A dip into the kiddie pool of madness, whereas I was hoping for an ocean of it.

i want to write a novel, using nothing but numbered, pink post-it notes, and scatter them across a cityscape. the novel would concern an elderly school bus driver, his day-to-day life, up until, and possible a little bit of after, his untimely demise, at the hands of an international, eastern-european prostitution ring. the protagonist's name would be Theodore Mansgrove, and he'd have a pet Burmese cat. after Theodore's gruesome murder (involving the meeting of a tire iron and poor Theo's anus), his beautiful Burmese (affectionately named Poppyseed) would eventually escape his drafty apartment to start a roving gang of feral citizens, becoming rich and fat with la dolce vita. Eventually, Poppyseed would learn the error of his life choices, and would give himself back to Mother Gaia, returning to the Stream ... i've got the chills ...

I'm now, or will be, a resident of Royal Oak. Got the apartment, got the keys, got the electricity, got the lady friend and now just have to start sleeping there, which will probably be starting Saturday.

So's you know.

I've felt this for a while now, but would like to make it known publicly:

My favorite band will now be The New Pornographers.

That is all.

nothing to see here, i'm going to bed

it has never burned when i've urinated

i lost my pen today, but it was home all along

driving on 96 i saw a black suv (ford expedition i think)
it was pulled off to the side of the road (the headlights were still on)
a man was standing on the outside of it (on its left side)
he was leaning face first against the rear seat window (as if crying)
i laughed (it was funny)

+++

i've never been to east saint louis

My head feels funny in the head.






that knife sure was sharp, nana.

Have you ever seen a bear taking a crap?

...

...

I haven't.

With all of this talk about spay or neutering your pets, where is the talk on spay or neutering your children? If you can point me to an organization endorsing this cause, I will give them money.

Merry Christmas and Happy Aronofsky Day.

I really like beets.

so's you know:

I changed my religion on MySpace from "Agnostic" to "Atheist." I was thinking today about Jack Bauer, and how he's so much more awesome than God could ever be. How could I even entertain the notion that an omnipotent being can exist in the same realm as Jack Bauer, albeit a fictional character. The answer is simple. There is no god. All hail Jack Bauer, and his Hour of Power (FOX Mondays, 9pm Eastern). And don't you dare piss him off, because he will eat of soul.

Also, I almost died at the Sloan concert last Saturday. But not really.

since a grand total of two people (Lorin and Rachel) were vocal about my neglected duties at blogging, here's one to roll up and smoke.

1) for those who are not in the know, I am now a vegetarian. you know, just in case you were planning on getting me a membership to the Omaha Steak club for my birthday (February 13th, for people who have never noticed my screen name is madmatt213).

2) go watch Jules et Jim (or Jules and Jim for you American assholes; you know who you are). and if you don't like it, you can consider yourself dead to me.

I have always found Ellen DeGeneres attractive.

I've gone Lomo crazy!!!!

Guess what I did this last weekend? Helped make a freakin' short film, that's what! I even made my acting debut in it. I'm bloody rubbish and should be banned from acting, but I did hold the boom mic well, I thought.

The short is called Wonky, and we think it lives up to the name. You can judge for yourself, since you can see it on YouTube. I got involved on the project through my friend Justin, who in turn is friends with Greenbook Productions, UnSAFE Film Office and 239 Productions. We made the short for the East Lansing Film Festival 48/5 film competition, and we kicked everyones' asses, but undoubtably won't be crowned the champions of the competition. If you are in the Lansing area, check out the public screening on Wednesday 7:30pm, at Green River Cafe on 211 M.A.C., in East Lansing. The place is small, so expect it to be packed.

Reminder to all the kool kids:

National Novel Writing Month begins tomorrow. I'll be giving it another go, and will undoubtable be dropping out within the week.

@@@

I have thought of a new project to work on. Ya'll been warned (you either step or get stepped upon).

$$$

All of a sudden, I have developed an extreme need to create stuff that could be constituted, by some, as art. I think it began on that kitchen floor this last weekend. Wish me luck.

&&&

As was pointed out to me by my good friend Rachel, my previous post was very emo.

yeah...

I would like to apologize for that.

&&&